I got home this evening and had to finally admit to myself that today was pretty darned hard. Not busy-and-I-can't-catch-up hard. No, today was emotionally hard. Start off with a five hour headache brought on by shoulders that were tight when I woke up and add torturing an overwhelmingly painful patient while maintaining professionalism and a positive attitude of "we have to do this for your own good." I managed to fool myself into thinking today was a good day all the way home, listening to my classical cello music and thinking about other things. Then I get home an immediately alienate the one person I can turn to in times of stress, break down in tears (always a winner with the gents) and retreat to the bathroom. I thought I was crying because I picked a fight with the most important person in my life, but all I could see in the darkness of the bathroom (who wants to see themselves in the mirror during a crying fit?) was the pain-ridden expression on my patient's face, and as my sobs exponentially increased the throbbing of my head, I realized that I'd been deluding myself as I wore my "everything is fine" professional attitude all the way home and into my private life. I realized how important it is to turn the "fine fine" off when the day is done and sometimes just allow myself to mourn for the pain and loss of others.
Of course, it helps when you don't have to do it alone.
I'll write a more cheerful post soon, I promise.
2 comments:
Thanks for the honest post. I've been thinking about emotions lately, how they are a river that can give you momentum to get you where you need to go, but can also erupt in a huge detrimental burst if you try to damn them up for too long. Dynamite of the soul. Sorry it blew up on you before you figured out what was going on. And kudos for seeing through the rubble and recognizing the source.
They often warn you in school about burnout and the need to take care of yourself, but I guess I always thought I was the exception to the rule. I guess I just needed to experience it to know what they were talking about. From now on, I'll pay more attention to the warning signs.
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